Part 6: A Day In History: Saturday, December 9, 2006

Chapter 5: Who Needs A Delorean?

5:20pm: The reception starts in just over an hour.

I race down to North Melbourne

Here we go again. Maddy calls her mum to bring her other dress with her on their way through to the reception. They arrive at 6pm just long enough to drop off the dress before racing against time to get to the reception on time. About 10 minutes later Maddy and I are in the car heading to the Luxor Reception Centre in Sydenham.

I remember this place well as I had to pick up Trevor there one year after he got insanely drunk on red wine and proceeded to call his employer a cheap slut and was unable to drive home. Was an entertaining evening.

We arrive at about 6:28pm - pretty good timing - and hop out of the car, and even the heat seems to have turned down a bit. As we are walking to the door, Maddy's mum and brother arrive and drive past us to park. We must have hit a wormhole or something because they had a 10 minute head-start on us and I didn't speed.

Finally, I'm one up on the universe.

Epilogue: The Happy Ending

The rest of the evening at the reception is a boring story that consists of me having a great time and eating too much. Which doesn't make for an entertaining addition to an already longwinded story. I did get to drink three free longneck bottles of Crown lager and one glass of champagne which helped me warm up for Sylvek's birthday that I was to attend later in the night.

But that story is one I will save for another time, so stay tuned.

Part 5: A Day In History: Saturday, December 9, 2006

Chapter 4: European Equals Overpriced And Annoying

I had conceded defeat. I would call the damned locksmith. Being a Saturday, it turned into an ordeal locating a locksmith that could come out to unlock my doors. I finally got a number that connected and after a short phonecall, it was established that he wouldn't be able to make it out to my place until 6.

Wedding reception starts at 6:30.

So I tell him that will have to do, and I give him my number just in case he can make it earlier. We then had 2 and a half hours to kill, and because Maddy wasn't dressed to be out in public (she only had on a mini-skirt and a singlet top so she could slip from them into her dress) I had to drive her to North Melbourne so that she could hang out with her friend Tsari.

I was now on a mission. I needed to find a new white shirt (because I had completely soaked and dirtied the one I was wearing) and I couldn't go too far from home in case the locksmith called. I headed to a small shopping centre in Brunswick that I remembered existed and bought a 'European' styled shirt.

It turns out when they describe something as European styled, they mean overpriced and annoying. The shirt had double the buttons of a normal shirt, in pairs and even had two buttons almost on top of one another at the neck. When you're wearing a tie, the last thing you want is more bulk right where your Adam's Apple is. This shirt cost me $40, and I swear the extra expense went into the buttons.

As I'm leaving the place at 4:40, the locksmith calls me; he's going to be at my place in 10 minutes.

Great.

So I battle Sydney Road traffic and get there as he does. The locksmith wastes no time in attempting to unlock my doors, he doesn't want to be in the sun for any longer than he has to be with his ginger skin and ample body hair.

It takes him 30 minutes to finally unlock both locks - apparently my locks are good - and $120 later I'm inside! Huzzah!

Part 4: A Day In History: Saturday, December 9, 2006

Chapter 3: The Key Is To Stay Positive

As we pull into the driveway at home, George asks if I'll be fine and asks if there is anything he can do. I reply to him that things should be cool, and I'll be able to work it out, thanks anyway. He motors off and I stroll down the driveway to my car that sounds like it's been running for quite a while.

As I gave upon Maddy's hardened stare, I realise I'm in big trouble. It turns out Maddy had been sitting in my car with the air conditioning going, waiting for me to get home for over an hour. When she first got home, she walked upstairs and went to unlock the door when she made the grim realisation that there were no house keys on my keyring.

Don't you hate that pit-of-your-stomach feeling you get when you know you've really messed up big time?

I had it in spades.

Anyway, me being me, I told Maddy to be cool, and that there was no point in getting upset as it really doesn't help anything. She asked me what I was going to do. I replied with a wry grin and trotted off to the back fence; I was going to attempt to scale the wall and climb in the back window that I leave open for the cat.

Wearing my suit I hoisted myself onto the fence and shuffled around to the wall of my building. At which point I looked down and realised I was standing 15 feet above the concrete pavers the neighbour has in his backyard. Slipping several times due to my dress shoes having no grip, I decided I didn't want to die in my neighbours backyard. It was just too damn hot for that.

I got myself down and strolled back to the car in a dejected kind of way with my shoulders slumping as much from the heat as the sense of defeat I felt from not being able to do what seemed so easy in my head.

"Why don't you just call a locksmith?" Maddy asked with a look of disappointment that had replaced what was once anger on her face. Being a stubborn git, I shook my head; I had one more trick up my dirty white sleeve.

I walked to the front of our apartment block and looked up at the sheer glass surface. Each pane of glass in the facade is about a metre high and is divided by a 'shelf' of aluminium that is about 50mm thick and sticks about 40mm. I decided that I would give Spider-man a run for his money and proceeded to scale the wall.

As I was climbing I was trying desperately to remember which window always opened and which one needed to be unlocked. I was fairly convinced that it was the one closest to the wall that was always locked, but I would have hated myself for not trying. Sure enough, after getting to the top with sweaty fingers holding on for dear life suspended 20 feet in the air, it turns out I was right - the window was locked.

This was the fun part. It is always easier to climb up something than it is to climb down. Sure I could have jumped, but my knees and I have a fairly shaky truce at the best of times, and I was not in the mood to be waging war on my body. I had to slide to the corner of the window and shimmy myself down, all the while trying not to burn my hands off.

Part 3: A Day In History: Saturday, December 9, 2006

Chapter 2: It Is Right To Give Thanks And Praise

George and I walk briskly to the front of the church, and two young guys advise us as we walk inside that there are still free seats upstairs. We walk inside and everyone is looking at the door, obviously waiting for the bridal party to enter. We quickly shuffle into the corner and try to be inconspicuous, which for George proves to be a little be difficult as he towers over most people by several inches.

As the ceremony kicks into gear I looked around to see a faint mist of steam rising from the standing room area where we are. This is sweat. As I look around at the people standing in front of me, beads of sweat are beginning to roll down their necks, and patches start to form on their shirts.

Thankfully we aren't there for very much longer as it's an extremely quick Catholic wedding. Thank the Lord. So we burst out of the church as soon as the happy couple passes us, and we head for the shade of the closest tree for a little bit of relief.

As he has to drive me home, George and I don't hang around long. We jump into his car and he informs me that we can't put the air conditioning on past 1 and we can't put the windows in the front down either. My phone rings suddenly. It's Maddy, and she's not happy.

Part 2: A Day In History: Saturday, December 9, 2006

Chapter 1: Time For A Change

The details are a bit hazy, but one of the first things I can remember clearly is Maddy yelling into the phone.

"What do you mean the wedding is at 1? You told me it was 2!"

This was at 11am. I yawned and got up. The sweltering heat was already a factor and I was dreading the thought of wearing my suit outside, let alone inside a stuffy church for an hour.

After another screaming match on the phone regarding shoes, Maddy was in quite a strop so I steered clear of her, and got ready at my own pace. I was well and truly ready by 12:30, so we jumped in my car, turned the air conditioning up to 4 and headed to Windsor for the wedding.

We arrived at about 12:50 and we had to wait for Maddy's brother George to arrive with her dress and shoes. He arrived about 5 minutes later, and that gave us 5 minutes to arrive at the church. Plenty of time.

Maddy begins putting on her beautiful white dress with the black and yellow floral print on it that she had been dying to wear since buying it for the Melbourne Cup which she didn't end up attending. I'm chatting away to George and I heard this grunting when Maddy taps me on the shoulder and asks for my help doing up the zip. It's one of those shoddy inlaid zips that is so thin you're scared it's going to snap off in your fingers.

We finally tease the zip up and as Maddy puts her arms down, the teeth give out and the zip bursts. She gets the dress off to try to unlock the zip. Her hands are shaking so much with rage that she can't hold the zip properly. I hesitated, but had a quick go, being careful not to tear the teeth and damage the dress any further, but had no luck.

At 1:10, Maddy drove George and I to the front of the church and we went in without her. She decided she'd go home and try to salvage the dress for the reception at 6:30.

Part 1: A Day In History: Saturday, December 9, 2006

Prelude: The Night Before

Early Friday I'm sitting at my desk, thinking about the gloriousness of the weekend to come. However, one thing was bumming me out; it was turning out that my Friday night was going to be free. If there's one thing I enjoy on a Friday night, it's a good drink with Chief to wind down. I actually feel it makes the weekend seem longer if you go out on a Friday night.

But this week Chief had decided that he should spend some time with other friends. That's cool, do that, then come out, I said. Anyway, I worked on him for about 2 hours before he put his foot down and told me it wasn't gonna happen. I did come close. He told me to wait for a phonecall around 10ish just in case he changed his mind.

I wasn't gonna hold my breath.

Anyway, I headed home and the last thing I remember was walking in the door and put my bag down. The next thing I know I'm awoken by Maddy bringing in my phone and it's Chief; his night didn't go to plan, he wants booze.

It's 8:30, I've been asleep for 3 hours and I haven't eaten. So I hurriedly cook some food, eat it, change, take my house keys from my keyring and slip them in the zip compartment of my wallet convince Maddy to drive me to Chief's.

A solid night of alcohol consumption and merriment ensued. Fine details are lost to me, however I do remember one of the barchicks finishing her shift early and buying me two shots to have with her.

Anyway, I arrived home at about 4am-ish, dumped my gear in the brass pot I keep beside the door for loose change and ran to the bathroom to get a bucket. I was sure I was in peril after the amount of grog I consumed and the drunken food spree I went on on the way home (I'm deeply ashamed about that now, actually). I stumbled to the bedroom with the bucket under my arm and crashed for the night.